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The Worst People To Get Relationship Advice From
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When making a list of the worst people to possibly get advice about your current relationship from, doesn’t “someone I used to f*ck” have to be at the top? I mean, aside from cheating, I don’t have many unconditional dealbreakers, but I have to say that asking a dude you used to bang for advice on us is close. It doesn’t even matter if dude tells her “Really, you’ll be much happier if you just give him seven blow jobs a day,” the fact that she even thought to ask means that the relationship is practically over already.
Anyway, “a person you used to sleep with” is definitely number one on the list of the five worst people to get relationship advice from. Here’s the rest
1. The person who’s been trying to f*ck you since the series premiere of “Scrubs”
Yeah, I might be going on a limb here, but you’re probably not going to get objective relationship advice from the guy who’s been tagging himself as your heart in all of your Facebook pictures
2. God
I say this as a Christian too, but asking God for advice on your bullsh*t relationship is like renting a Uhaul truck to move a box of Kleenex. I’m sure the big guy has more pressing issues to worry about than whether you should be mad that your new beau jokingly called your thigh a brown sugar cactus.
3. Both of your parents at the same time
It’s weird. Getting advice from Mom and Dad separately always seems to work, but their signals somehow get crossed when they’re in the same room and both trying to advise you. It kind of reminds me how the GhostBusters made sure never to cross the streams. Maybe the force of parental advisement is so strong that it only works when one of them is around
4. The person with the perfect life
This may seem a bit too cynical, but the friend who’s been with his wife since they met each other in 6th grade might be the last person I’d get advice from. I mean, yeah, his relationship life is virtually blemish-less, but this blemishlessness probably makes him unable to relate to us commoners. It’s the same reason why superstar professional athletes usually make terrible coaches and general managers: They’ve been blessed with so much natural talent that it’s hard for them to relate to, assess, and motivate the less gifted.
So keep your perfect life and your perfect wife to yourself, and let me keep getting all my knowledge and life alterting advice from J-Ashy — the crackhead selling toasters and Advil outside of my barbershop.
Anyway, falks, did I forget anyone? Can you think of anyone else who definitely should have been on the list?
Also, since J-Lo’s a free agent again, am I the only one who wants her to say “F*ck it” and get back with Diddy just so I could watch the internet Armageddon that would surely follow?