Sociedad Española de Documentación e Información Científica

Facebook started it and now you’re confused by it. If you’re describing your relationship as “complicated,” more likely than not, it’s also unhealthy and causing you unnecessary stress. And since we’re living in a world where we’re comfortable enough to document our every move, every meal and every time we’re sick on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and more, we wanted to know just how the Internet affects our most personal and intimate relationships. Loveawake dating site talked with Sari Cooper, a couples and sex therapist based in NYC, to discuss what really happens when you take your relationship (and the fights, make-ups and breakups) to the World Wide Web.

Loveawake: These days, it’s quite common for 20-somethings to not be quite sure ‘what they are’ when dating, despite consistently hanging out, going on dates and sleeping together. So why are these ‘relationships’ so much more complicated today than when our parents were our age and already settled down with a house and maybe even kids?
Sari Cooper: Our parents had very strict rules regarding dating and most people agreed to them. The most important one for some generations was that you didn’t have intercourse before marriage. Their parents expected them to get a job and settle down earlier than today’s parents. In fact, with the recession forcing college graduates to move back home, young men and women are able to continue their college habits. They are not forced to think of the future and the responsibilities that go with it.

I think today’s 20-something women are at a disadvantage from the time they go to college because men, for the most part, have set the terms regarding relationships. Many college guys have not been brought up to ask a woman out on a date and college life encourages a more casual party-centered social scene, where people drink a lot and hook up with someone at the end of the evening. It’s also a time in their lives that they don’t have much extra cash, so a date still puts the financial burden on men. Because men can usually find some woman to be sexual with, they don’t have to put any labels on any sexual encounters they have. This type of hook-up culture continues post-college, so it’s not surprising women are in limbo about what their relationship status is. And many women are afraid to ask or set the terms if it’s a relationship they want because they’re afraid of losing the guy if she puts forth her needs.

Loveawake: Take this scenario – If a woman has been seeing and sleeping with only one guy for a few months but they haven’t had the “exclusivity talk,” how should she initiate it?
S.C.: The “exclusive talk” depends on where she is in her life. I encourage women who are serious about having children in the next few years and who are in that biologically-appropriate time to do so to bring it up when they’re ready. If she senses by his actions that he’s still not 100 percent ready and she can wait, then she shouldn’t initiate. However, if they are doing certain sexual actions that put each other at some risk, I would certainly encourage her to bring it up outside the bedroom by discussing their sexual practices and what she is comfortable doing and what she would like to hold off on at this point as long as they’re not exclusive and see how he responds.

Loveawake: Is it important to define these relationships?
S.C.: If being sexual with one person only and developing more of an intimate experience is what you’re looking for, it is critical to have that conversation and define the relationship. If you and your partner are on different pages and you get that information early on, it’s easier to part ways and look for a person who is looking for the same thing. If you’re not ready to “settle” down and are enjoying the pleasure of experiencing different partners, then the only defining you need to do is letting your partners know you’re in a period where you’re not looking for exclusivity and being honest with partners about what kind of sex you want to engage in.

Loveawake: In this social networking age, what are the pros and cons to acknowledging your relationship status online?
S.C.: The pros of acknowledging it are that you’re letting your community of friends and strangers know you’re in a sexually monogamous relationship. This keeps the most interested parties at bay when it comes to trying to date, hook up, or even just “hang” with you. The cons might be that some people might take this exclusive notification as a challenge and connect through your friends to try to lure you away from your boyfriend/girlfriend. There are folks who get off erotically with playing that game. The other downside to posting this relationship status is the feeling that you have to yell it from the rooftops that you’re in a relationship in the first place. That might bring in unwanted gossip and intrusive behavior on a relationship you should have strong trust in and want to keep more intimate and private. Most likely, the people in your closest social circles will know you have a significant other. Keeping it off the digital grid might offer more romance and erotic charge to this relationship. (Ed. Note: And we can’t forget about the stress that comes along with having to change a relationship status back to single after a relationship goes sour. It’s the worst!)

Loveawake: Is there a certain timeline when you should address online whether you’re in a relationship? Or should that be a personal choice?
S.C.: I think people have to ask the question, ‘How important is it for me to announce this?’ and consider whether there might be a downside to putting it on the web. Is there a reason why they want people to know? For example, if a woman doesn’t want it posted because her ex-boyfriend who is still interested in her could see her status change, and she’s worried about hurting him could and should be a topic to discuss with her present partner about whether she’s really over him, how to handle exes, etc. Having a discussion with your significant other about doing it might also glean some information regarding how serious your partner is about the relationship based on the decision he/she makes.